Dumb Bxtch

It is 1 am on Monday night and i (for whatever reason) am up watching College Hill and eating shrimp pasta. Should be a pleasant savory experience, no? NO!

What in the name of naivete is occurring on my screen?!?!?!?!

I am watching the very first episode of the series and already i am disgusted, particularly in this young woman:

Her name is Terri and shes a damn fool with a bad weave! On the first night she decides shes in love with this little cutie named Brandon.

Its cute at first.

Then she spends the night with him.

-100 points

Then she tells him that shes no longer allowed to "lick whipped cream off of other girls" referring to the night before when they played a game of truth or dare requiring the licking. Remember, she just met him yesterday.

-400 points

Then she tells him that he can't speak to any one else.

-1,000 points

Then she tells him that he is officially hers

And he responds with ... silence.

-1,000,000 points

Then, she wakes up the next morning and irons his pants

She has no more points.

And finally, she makes his bed.

:-x

That the hell?

To top things off, Brandon, while at school, realizes that he is digging his own grave messing around with that loca. So, he comes home and totally ignores her, and starts chatting with this skinny minny.

Then, Terri is like aww hell naw!

The episode pretty much ended at that point, and it appears that she will be fxcking up another girl in the house next week in an elaborate show of misguided aggression. SMH.

I went to a small all women college, so i did not have to deal with the whole dorm couple thing but i am still pretty familiar with how silly girls get when they move out of mama's house, into the dorm rooms and start feeling like real women and playing house. Gag.

So this is my Public Service Announcement to all you young ladies out there:

College is probably your first taste of total independence. You can came and go when you want. You have a little space that is yours, and you can have whoever you want in there (with the door locked because mama's not there to bitch). You suddenly feel all grown up. On top of all that, you probably live next door to/down the hall from/on the same campus as men and boys. Big ones, small ones, tall ones, smart ones, sexy ones. You may even fall in love with one. But please do not become a dorm wife! It will be to the detriment of your entire collegiate experience and you will end up looking like a naive fool just like Terri.

While he is out ballin with his friends, you will be in the dorm kitchen making him dinner. While he is chillin with shawty from physics class you will be in the basement doing his laundry. While you are pent up playing his wife, he will be out living life, where you should be.

Pretty soon college will be over and you will have all of the time in the world to cook dinners and do laundry and play wife.

But please, do not let your love, or lust, or like for any man make you blind, and miss out on the time of your life. Get out there and be a bad bitch (either literally or figuratively) because this may be the only time in your life that you can do so and be exempted from Santa's Naughty List.

Have a man if you wanna. Love him up and down. But live YOUR life! Hell, i had three boyfriends in the spans of my college career, but you wouldn't catch me ironing any one's shit. And best believe it was the best years of my life romantically, academically and in terms of bad bitchin around town!

Furthermore, any man that you met yeasterday, is not yours today. Nuff said.

And tune in to College Hill next week to see Terri get buck!!!!!

Americas Next Top Hairstyle

I'm watching America's Next Top Model for the first time since soph. year of college and believe it or not, i'm inspired. I set my cable box to dvr it since the premiere in the event that i ran out off other filler tv, but it never did. And then, boom, i check my list and the latest episode is recorded. Hell yea! And on top of that, it just so happens to be the makeover episode! My favorite! I thought that most of the girls were put at a major disadvantage with their new "improved" tyra-imposed looks, though there were two that stood out and inspired me...

So, voyeurs, i have decided to abandon my trademark 18 inch hair...

and take it down to 12. Twelve inches of hot sexy red hair!!!! It s going to be a combination of these two looks from the show:

This color

With this cut

Check for me next weekend...i should have it done snapped and posted by then...But back to the show...I always hear tyra talk about these world renowned hair stylists whom she hires to do the makeovers. This, to me, never makes any sense. They are almost always (dare i say) white. And furthermore, they are inevitably more adept at working with the kind of hair that grows on other people in their own likeness. While many of the stylists can deliver a mean blow out, they are bumbling fools when it comes to a good weave. Why Tyra?

Exhibit A

Poor girl...

Tyra is the queen of weaves.

Why is she slighting these young girls?

Get it together.

Picture this...

My weekend was better than yours.

And i mean it.

The baby was at grandma's which meant date night voyeurs.

Saturday morning i went for a manicure/eyebrow wax/massage to prepare...

Then i bought a sexy lil outfit...ooh la la...

I went home to meet hub and get ready to go...i was running late and he was mad at me...or so i thought...

So i rushed and took a whore bath ("washing your coochie, ass and arm pits"), brushed my hair straight, dressed and hit the pavement...30, minutes tops...

We went to see the lion king first...we had awesome orchestra aisle seats...we got there about 20 minutes late but the show was amazing. I tried to take some pics but they are shit.

After the show we tried to take a few pics but my stupid shitty camera that i bought on e bay sucks.

After the show, we went around the corner to Juniors to get some cheesecake. I fxckin love cheesecake. I got a red velvet cupcake (which tasted like ass) too. But i hate juniors food, so we went somewhere else for dinner...

Hub took me to a cute little french restaurant called Le Petit Un Deux Trois...somewhere around 44th street. We sat in an area called the green room. It was made to resemble a European courtyard, complete with glass roof...very romantic...The food was amazing...so was the champagne...
By the time we were done i was more than ready to go home and have some sexy time with my hub, then my cheesecake, but he kept insisting that we go to this spot that we call Goodlife. Its on 69th and riverside. The real name is Riverside Park, and its a pier that extends into the Hudson River. It's like a long boardwalk that actually extends into the river. Very beautiful. Nonetheless i didn't want to go because it was starting to get colder out and i was tired. He persisted, so i gave in and we jumped in a cab uptown.

Side view of goodlife

For some reason he had been peeing and peeing constantly all day, and as soon as we got there he had to go, but there was no bathroom so he let it rip right in front of whoever was there. It was soo tacky and yet so funny that i laughed hysterically for a good 5 minutes, and forgot how badly i had wanted to go home to chill.

We walked all the way to the edge of the pier and chose a seat. We sat for a while and reminisced about our times at Goodlife...when we first met....when he made me his girl...countless summer nights spent taking in the view and the river scent...
Then he started acting weird.


He keeled down.



He stood up.



He got on one knee.



He stood up.



None of this phased me or raised any question mark in my head, because he does weird stuff like this all the time. Especially when he's cold. He's the master of fidgeting when he's cold. Instead i got annoyed and started yelling at him to friggin sit down and enjoy the view.



Then he decided to stand infront of me. ugh i was pissed.


He asked me if i would be his forever.



I said "yes Keith"...still annoyed that he was standing in my way...still oblivious to what was going down...like i said, he does this stuff all the time...



Then he pulls out a huge box...i thought it was a watch...in my head, i was pleased...





...And he opens it...




And let me tell you voyeurs, it was no watch.



It was Ivanka (which is what i named her in honor of the bad bxtch Ivanka Trump....since Goodlife is located right in front of a colossal beautiful Trump building) and shes a bad bxtch.

Bad Bxtch Ivanka Trump

Goodlife and Trump Building

Ivanka and I

He proposed in style. And i laughed and cried and loved. I'll spare the words and details because they are our memories, and ours only. And by the way, the reson he kept kneeling and standing is because he wanted to do it when no one was near us, and people kept walking by...


After i composed myself we got in a cab and went home...

And just when i thought he had successfully rocked my world, i noticed rose petals under my apartment door.

Yes Yes yall!!!! He went all out!


He had someone come in and decorate our room while we were out. It was decked out with a ton of petals, chocolate covered strawberries, Godivas, champagne, red light...........
Ooh la la....


And we had a night to remember.


Ordinarily i would tell you all of the sexy details. But this night was so special that i don't want to share.

It was, however, simply and utterly AMAZING...

I'll be your bad bxtch

The other day i was at my parents house chatting with my young brother and blog surfing when I came across this picture on the net:

It intrigued me.

I asked my brother, "Escada; what do you think these two are doing together?"

He paused, and pondered. We both did...For a long time...And then, he answered me and i instantly understood.

He said: "they shop together."

Ah hah. Eureeka.

Like an apple that just fell on my head.

Then i thought....How fxcking perfect.

Kanye,

May i please be your bad bitch? I know you are not really into women; not romantically at least. But i can be your muse. I can be your body of art and you can look at me all you like. You can talk to me about the boys. I know about them. I can help you with them. And i won't tell a soul. We can put on a fierce show. I can be your bad bitch. I'm no newbie. I've been to Milan. I've done Spain. The thrill of walking las ramblas for the first time is already a notch on my stacked wooden stiletto heel. I don't want you for the thrill of seeing the world in your pocket. I just think can help you be you. And together we can be fabulous. I'll teach you how to stomp it out in heels, and we can chop it up about anything. Whatever you like.

Put Lola on your arm 'Ye.

Bang Bang

We'll shoot 'em

And they'll fall...

They'll fall for it...

♥Lola

L Words

So lovely,
So lovely are his words
The verbs
That get under my skin,
Make me wonder “where has he been?”
As his words make my head spin
Again,
and again…

as for now we only speak,
but these sweet nothings make me weak
make me wonder do I seek,
what he has
what I lack
and so I ask
what is so lovely about this man
to whom right now I only speak
but yet his words, they make me weak
damn, so lovely how we speak
but yet so weak,
A paradox, it seems I like him

To Like,
Another word,
Another verb
And though I know it seems absurd
That just his words
Have made me like him
Made me want to know more,
Adore,
The way that he is,
The way that he’s not,
Damn, I’ve thickened the plot.
Because right now we’re only friends
And our bond does not transcend
The rules that keep good friends at bay,
Away,
From this word, this verb, “to Like”
This cannot be alright
How could I, his friend, like him?
Better yet could I invite him
To like me back?
Or would that be
An unintentional attack
On our friendship?

As time goes by I like him more
Adore
The way he says my name
Lola...
The way he calls me baby
As he lulls to sleep
So maybe,
Baby,
I should show you how I feel
For real
Because this like, this word, this verb
No longer occurs without the presence of another L word
Lust

So now I lust after your lips
After your scent
They way you noticed how my nose is bent
Your eyes
Their size
Their shape, the color
How I wonder
What it would be like for you
To do
Those things that make me say …Ooh

At night I think
To myself
This cant be good
For my health
He’s just my friend,
Then again,
I want him

I want him in every
Single
way
I want him more
Every
Single
day
I want him to kiss
my fears
away
I want him to be
I want him to stay.
Because I love him

Damn,
I just got hit
With another word
Another verb
Another feeling
That’s got my heart reeling
Out of control
I’m feeling my soul
Be penetrated
By his touch


I want him to turn me out
To show me what he’s all about
I’m so willing
To take that route
But then again he’s just my friend
And even more,
I’m not the only one that wants him

So hither comes another word
Another verb
Another chick
Another girl who claims she loves him
She says she wants,
Says she needs,
To have him back
She begs him please
To put her broken soul at ease
To take her back
To just appease
Her needs

And though he says their love’s undone,
That she is no longer the one,
Still I wonder.
Three years she made him feel complete,
How could my love ever compete
With hers?

Still I know
That that
Was long ago
And so
I don’t sweat it
I let it just be
And just hope that you and me
Will see
What its like
To be lovely,
To like,
To lust,
To love
To be lost in that place
In a space
Where we’re free to expand
And withstand
All the shit that may be.
So baby…

Let’s just go
Just let it loose
Let’s just grow
Teach me words
Teach me secret verbs
Beginning with “L”
and I wont tell

So Lets,
Explore the alphabet
Discover words from a to z
That describe
What you and me
Have come to be

Lets
get lost,
in this Linguistic,
Lullaby,
Lets,
Allow the months to pass us by,
Lets
Cruise our way
Through May,
Please,
Rock my senses through June
July, august
And soon
We won’t even remember
that its September
Much less October…
Fuck being sobered
By the restraints of time
Just be mine
Lets move too fast
Let me be the last
To kiss you goodnight
Lets go left,
Fuck what’s right

So baby,
Hear these L’s roll off of my tongue
Because you’re the one,
And I’m here
to let you know that you’re
lovely
and I hope that one day you’ll
love me
the way I’m loving you
and I’m lusting
for you mind body an soul
because I need you
to make me feel whole
and I like
how you make me want to spit these verbs,
so baby feel me
when I speak these L words.






I wrote this for him in the beginning...And still so it is and ever shall be...
Sweet memories...

Oh what a night

So voyeurs,

Last night was nuts. My hub got totally sick in the middle of the night. I had to call an ambulance and everything!!!They took him to the hospital at about 4AM. I had to call my mom so that she could come pick up my son (which she wasn't supposed to do until friday). She came and took him back to Long Island and i headed to Montefiore with a bag full of water and sunflower seeds as per his request. When i got there he was in the ER drowsy and strung out on a stretcher. It broke my heart to see him that way. Its amazing how God teaches us lessons. One day I'm ready to claw his eyes out, the next second I'm stroking his head in a 4x6 hospital room asking God not to take him from me...please.

Turns out it wasn't too serious. He had a stomach virus. But we had a rude awakening...Life's too short...

I need him...I love him...

He got to come home after a few tests. Just when i thought we would get a little break from the baby monster, i called my mom to check on him and she let me know that he is refusing to eat. My son, at the ripe old age of 3.5 months, is stubborned just like his mama. He will NOT drink from a bottle. Strictly breast. So, he made up his mind not to take a damn sip until i came back for him. So sleep went out the window, and i went to get my hungry sunny.

I had planned to let him stay with my mother for the weekend so that i could go out with my meng (we are supposed to go see the lion king on Broadway!), and my best (to get buck and celebrate her graduation). So from now until Friday I'm on a mission to make a resilient little 15lb man suck plastic.

Wish me luck...

Silly Goose

I published a post earlier about whats bothering me today. But i took it down. I chickened out, because i read someone elses blog and she mentioned that people put too much of their business on blogs. I thought maybe that was the universe speaking to me.

Why do i always protect people who don't protect me?
I'm gonna sleep on it. Maybe i'll figure things out in my dreams...

25 Things

I've seen this done on so many blogs. My turn...
Heres 25 more things about me...

1. I had a dog named Marli. A Shih Tzu. My boyfriend bought him for me for our 1st anniversary. I loved him for 6 months. Then I realized he just wasn't getting the whole dogs-aren't-supposed-to-pee-on-expensive-things deal. And he got much bigger than i thought he would be (read as: didn't fit in bag). So i started to dislike (read as: hate) him. My mother felt sorry for him and took over. He loves her desperately and hates me now. After him i was worried that i'd be a horrible mother. But it turns out kids and dogs...totally different.

2. I have one tattoo. It says "This is what it looks like when woman is king." Its written in sanscript.

3. I want 5 more. And if i didn't plan on working in the corporate world, I would probably tattoo a sleeve...among other places.

4. I was voted most likely to succeed and best dressed senior year in HS. I got to choose, so i picked most likely to succeed for the year book.

5. I cry for everything. I was watching The Girls Next Door a little while ago, and Kendra was crying (because she was moving out of the playboy mansion)...and so was i...wtf?

6. I LOVE to go to protests

7. I used to work really hard in college so that i could be elected to represent my school in Model United Nations conferences. But secretly, the only reason i wanted to go was so that i could dress up in my hawt sexxay business wear, go shopping in the various cities, attend the big party that they threw at the end and eat at the local restaurants. The actual work was like the price i was willing to pay in order to do the aforementioned. And best believe i paid in theoretical hundreds so that i could impress my professors and be invited back for the next one.

Repping Estonia at the Harvard National Model United Nation

Working hard...

...But dressing even harder

8. On my boyf's birthday (about a year ago) I went outside to move his car (alternate side parking is a bitch) and i saw a spot down the block closer to our building. I was too lazy to go all the way around the block, so, i decided to just reverse. I was also too lazy to press the button that turns out the side mirrors. I got past 3 cars before i crashed into the other most expensive SUV on the block, ripping the mirrors off of both, and significantly denting in side of the other truck and scratching the cherry red paint right off of his brand new rover. It was my second accident in a week...(the first time i backed into a car in the supermarket parking lot...forgot to look in the mirror again...no damages though). Happy b-day baby. But i swear i'm a great driver...now

Thats it in the back...you can even see the poor mirror

9. I've been playing Animal Crossing on my wii so often that i have replaced the remote batteries 4 timed already...and i've only had it for about 2 weeks.

10. I love jamaican-style dirty freak dancing at house parties. And reggae music. But never at the club...I just sip fancy looking drinks and take tacky club photos at the club....but i break away at house parties.

My Cousin Shanice demonstrating jamaican-style dirty freak dancing at a house party

Me demonstrating tacky club pics

11. I like to go to Webster Hall in Manhattan dressed like a drag queen and dance like a mad woman all night in the 80's music room with the gay boys and other drag queens (real ones). Plus there's a stripper pole in there, and you can get buck on it all you want because its only gay boys in there and they're not checking for me any ways. I also Webster has go-go dancers and they put me in a trance.

Notice the guy to the right!!!! told ya!

12. I love summer weekends in the Hamptons

13. Expensive chocolate makes me constipated...Godiva...ugh....

14. I've never had a tall boyfriend (eg. above 5' 10")

15. I'm watching Superbad right now and it is making me laugh til my stomach hurts

16. When i was little I had hearing problems, so i used to talk really loud. Everyone used to yell at me thinking i was just pushy...until i had to get surgery to have tubes put into my ears and then they all ate shit out of guilt.

17. When i was very young i caught my parents doin' it...and it totally fucked me up. To this day i get paranoid when i go over there. I am so terrified to ever witness it again. I even walk extra loud at night just to make sure they hear me.

18. I graduated Summa Cum Laude

19. I hated the pregnancy part

20. I got a pair of Steve Madden Shoes for 3$ yesterday

21. About 2 years ago I had a tequila night with my college gals (Hey Carla) and i got pissy-twisted (naked wasted). I think i poisoned myself. Since then i have not been able to tolerate any hard liquor. Only beer. I love beer.

22. I can cook a few things really well

23. I wish had a deep voice like the girl in Superbad

24. My dream job would be an editorship at either Elle or Vibe

25. I'm sad today...