broken hearted.

MY LOVE LIES BLEEDING.

-Thomas Campbell

Ready Or Not...

I was recently about to make a drastic career change and my boss said to me:

Lola, don't make one decision contingent upon another.

So i stopped, and i thought about it. I chose not to make the move based upon the fact that i was pissed about certain changes affecting my current position.

Instead i decided to wait until I'm ready before i make that move.

In Trinidad they use the word "force-ripe" to describe things that become, before they are ready. Amazing how in Trinidad the wisest words are derivative of the simple mango.

In the past i have made many decisions contingent upon some simple thing that could easily have worked itself out. As a result i have so often felt disastrously force-ripe.

My love life is the best example and clearly the main example that i am alluding to. "You" pissed me off so I'm gonna go be with "him." Force-ripe. I'm not over "you" yet, but i still don't want to lose a chance with "him" so i become his before I'm ready. Then the whole force-ripe relationship falls through.

Not ready to be what he needs me to be, but i don't want to let him go; so i try and i fail. Why? because it was force-ripe.

I'm not heartless, I'm just force-ripe. Not ready. Or at least that was the case.

Now, i have made my decision to let go. Contingent upon no other factor besides my heart. And for the first time in a while i feel like I'm making the absolute best decision.

xoLola

...so ready or not.here i come. you can't hide. i'm gonna find you. and make you want me...

F#ck this shit.

At some point you have to be straight up honest with yourself. With that said, i honestly am over myself.

I am such a bitch.

In many ways this works for me. Nothing phases me, i don't get overly emotional (which i see as a direct sign of weakness), i often give off an intimidating vibe (which i see as a direct sign of power).

But man, its also totally screwed up my heart.

I deal with shit i shouldn't. I shy away from the shit i need.

I just wanna fix it.

You wouldn't believe what i had, what I've been through, what I've lost.

I've got so much to do but for now, fuck this shit. I'm over and out.

But you...you can call me missile, and I'll call you target . ;-)

deuces.

xoLola

M'uh Fu#%in Monstas

I shoot the lights out
Hide til its bright out
Whoa,
just another lonely night
Are you willing to sacrifice your life?

hello. my name is lola and i'm a m'uh fuc*in monsta.

i've created a few too.

here's why...

im never. ever. satisfied.

im so sick of settling. im sick of thinking 80 20, or 50 50. i want full
hundred.

i want my complete equal. i dont want to win or lose.

i want to go pound for pound and tie every single time.

i dont want to jerk any one around. i dont want to bounce back and forth i dont want to settle.

i wont settle for another daddy, or another baby, i wont settle for a rolling stone, i wont settle with being your secret, i wont be okay with your attitude.

so call me a monster for not being happy.

because when lola's not happy no one's happy.

so there u go. this ring is only open to the boys in my weight
class.

i want this:

meet me here. im moving to this planet:

Want To Know What Dates With Celebs Are Like?

Ever wonder what it would be like to date a Celeb? Where would he take you? What would you do? How fab would it be? Well I sure have! Here is my speculation of what it would be like to date today's hottest celebrity men:

1.) Lil Wayne

Expect to go to Morton's Steakhouse because we all know how he likes to open 'em up and fillet Mignon! Perhaps a date with the pu**y monster is not such a bad idea...

2.) Jeremiah

Although this R&B star is sexy, I'm not entirely sure that a date with him is a good idea. If he is so cheap that for your birthday he wont even get you a real present (just some old birthday sex), then expect nothing better that Mickey D's on this date (didn't you see the video for I'm a star?).

3.) 50 Cent

This buff rapper will probably take you to the candy shop. Maybe Dylan's Candy Shop if you're in NYC. But be careful, because he WILL try to make you lick the lollipop too! Yikes!

4.) Drake

He will definitely try to be slick and take you on a group date with a few of his other "close male friends." Keep an eye on him though. We all saw the picture, Drake! We know that your head has a propensity for falling into other men's laps (side eye).

5.) Trey Songs

Trey has made it clear that he likes the money, cars and the clothes. Expect to be picked up in an exotic European whip, taken on a shopping spree and treated to a dinner at some fancy restaurant. But you can also expect to be bored to death by the dinner conversation, because he's only into talking money. He just wants to be successful.

6.) Chris Brown

This could be a fun date. Things should go okay. JUST DON'T PISS HIM OFF! Don't say i didn't warn you.

7.) Michael Vick

For this date, you will probably be visiting your local questionable Chinese restaurant. You know, dog meat is considered a delicacy in China.

8.) Martin Lawrence

Many women find this wacky actors sense of humor charming. If Martin is your cup of tea, the get your manners in check ladies. You are headed for a good home cooked meal at big mama's house!

9.) Lil Bow Wow

Two words, Chucky Cheese.


10.) P. Diddy

I anticipate that as soon as he goes to pay the check at whatever fab restaurant you dine at, the Feds will swoop down in a scene out of the movies and lock you up for dealing with that dirty money. That's if Kim and Cassie don't tag team your a** first.

11.) Jay-Z

WAKE UP LADIES. Beyonce says its too big, long and wide, and we all know what she really meant. She's not about to give that up. You are so not getting a date with Jay and his big "ego."

12.) Fabolous

Something tells me that the way this rap star spells his name (wrong) is indicative of how your date will be; faux fab. He might want to stunt and take you shopping. He'll say "go ahead baby, just throw it in the bag." At that point you will probably go crazy and try throwing entire racks into "the bag." Then as soon as you turn your back to try to stuff 22 pairs of Gucci shoe boxes into a single shopping bag, he will sneak right out the door because he's not into trickin. I'm just saying...it could happen like that. You never know.

13.) Soulja Boy

Beware! This date is only for the shameless and in-shape. Soulja Boy will take you to teen night at the local club, and have you doing silly dances ALL NIGHT LONG! And don't wear sunglasses! He might attack your face with a white out pen.

14.) Flo Rida

Dude, you're totally going to Dave and Busters to have a totally awesome time. Then maybe you will check out a gnarly Britney Spears concert. Anything mainstream, dude.

15.) Kanye West

My guess is, Kanye will take you any where you like. You will have amazing conversation about how fab your outfit is, and the new line of hand bags that just came out. Maybe you will gossip a little. But at the end of the night he will most likely hit you with an "I'm not that into girls you."

Perhaps dating a celeb is not all its cracked up to be, or it is. Care to speculate?

I'm in love with a stripper!!!!!

MISS POLE DANCE 2009.

I JUST WATCHED THIS VIDEO ON WORLDSTARHIPHOP.COM. IT'S AMAZING.
THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
I AM ONLINE RESEARCHING STRIPPER POLES FOR SALE RIGHT NOW.
WTF? IS THIS ART?
I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO NEVER WASTES PRECIOUS MINUTES ON INTERNET VIDEOS. BUT THIS?!?!?! WELL, SEE FOR YOUR SELF....

Weirdo

I've been meaning to tell you guys about some weird shxt. Whenever i put things out there the universe seems to return wisdom (as do you, voyeurs). So please help me to figure this one out.

I have an ex. I'll call him Merman. Don't ask. We always had a volatile relationship, and always end up hating each other for one reason or another. We were together back in high school, and
reconnected about three years ago for a very short period. Since then i tried to be friends with him...electronically for the most part (damn that facebook), but as i've learned, that shxt never works.

It started off ok. Occasional messages saying hey, whats up, how are you. But for some reason at this point things always get weird. Suddenly i learn that Merman still has feelings. I was already in a new relationship, so i didn't really care about those feelings, since that chapter was closed.


Long story short:
Merman got upset.
My man peeped game and didn't like it.
I tried to maintain a platonic friendship.

Well i reached out to him one day, because i wanted to know about a boat ride party he threw or promoted or whatev, because i was looking for a venue for my baby shower. I never even pursued the issue after i sent the initial message, because i had soon after found another venue.

A little while after all of that went down he left a message on my wall saying "i will always love you," or something weird like that.

And lucky me, my boyfriend was the first to see it. He was surprisingly calm, and asked me to "handle it." You already know that really means "send that fool a message to shut his effin mouth before i do it for him." I humbly obeyed, and sent this:

"The message you left on my wall was very inappropriate. I have a fiance and a son on the way. Please be respectful of that. That is not the kind of comment that you should leave on a platonic friend's wall. I do not want my fiance having any reason to resent or question you. We barely communicate as it is, so I'm sure you understand why it is so bizarre for us to see that message out of the blue. Again, please be respectful of me and my family. They are what matters most to me. The information that i wanted was regarding a venue where you hosted a party. i never contacted you because i no longer wanted the information. Other than that i don't have any reason to contact you outside of facebook. being that this is the only place that i do communicate with you, please limit your comments. I would not disrespect your relationship, don't disrespect mine."


He replied with:

"im sorry, 100% agree with you gabby & congradulations on your engagement & child on the way, im happy for you & i surely dont want to ruin anything positive you got going.thanks for the appropriate way of addressing the issue.once more congradulations"

I thought it was over. We didn't speak AT ALL after that.

Then, months later i get another message from him inviting me to his graduation.

?????

Its not like we had an ongoing friendship at that point. We hadn't communicated at all since the wall post.

I didn't even answer.

Then, last week or something, i hear that he has an old school picture of he and i as his main picture on FB.


?????

How bizarre.

What do you think is going on?

I find it so weird. I have gotten engaged, had a baby, graduated college and much more in the time since we separated. He doesn't acknowledge any of these things (as a friend would), so i can't even write this stuff off as quirky friendship things; we aren't friends. He just does weird shxt.

I love my man, and he knows that. But i hate when this bizarro stuff happens out of the blue, because i know it bothers him. If it were me, i would have already tracked the bxtch down.

Universe? anything? Is this going to continue? What does it mean? WTF?



Exes are the weirdest people on earth. Now that i think about it, all of mine were totally W-E-I-R-D. Let me tell you about them. Perhaps you too have come across these types
Here they are in no particular order.


Earth
I'm referring to this first one as earth. He was a dancer. Yes a male dancer. No he wasn't gay, and still isn't as far as i know. He was totally into earthy zen things. Like incense and weed and dreadlocks (which we unsuccessfully tried to start in his hair....he cut them all off when we broke up though...lol). He wasn't really all that weird of a person, but i still see him as weird because we were totally mismatched. He was like father earth, and i was the total opposite. I went along with the whole hippie thing for a while, but as i came into my own, i realized that it just wasn't for me. I wasn't into smoking weed. I didn't like laying in grass. I just wanted to shop, wear my furs and be a bad bxtch.

We were both young at the time which, i guess, also explains why i got sick of our relationship. He also had a lot of heavy baggage that i was sick of lugging and paying for. Right after him, i got with someone who was the total opposite...


Meat head
Meat head was never really a boyfriend. I guess you could say we dated. He was fine (read as: fooooiiiiine). Tall, dark, muscles. He he was a basketball player. He had money, he was flashy, he wanted me to be kept. But here's the kicker girls. He was dumb as rocks.

Really stupid.

To this day my brother still laughs at him and some of the dumb shxt he would say. For instance, he never said "am I," as in "am i your friend?" Nooooooo. Instead he said "is am," as in "Is am yo frien." And when he got upset he would tell me that i was causing "move swings in his body".

WTF?

For all the shxt talkin i do, i happen to be kinda bright.

I just couldn't do it.

Plus, my parents didn't like him. He would come pick me up really late at night, always with a different car. He wouldn't take of his hat when he stepped into my house. And he was dumb. So they wrote him off immediately. My mother also thought he was too flashy.
He still hits me on AIM sometimes inviting me to come shopping at his boutique in Harlem. Or saying he has some free samples for my lil brother (he also created one of those ghetto fab Southpole-type fashion lines a while back). Yeah right. Money can't buy Lola dummy.

Merman
I already discussed him a little before. But now let me really get into his person.
Merman is one of those uptown fellas. Mix diddy and fifty cent, and you get merman. Very flashy. Very charming. Very persuasive. I got with him in HS because i wanted to make his friend (who i was talking to at the time) jealous. He was like the top dog in my school at the time, so it was a good plan. And it worked....but into the rabbit hole i fell. He is very materialistic, and loved to be the center of attention. I couldn't keep up. He's the guy you find in the VIP next to the famous guy. Fresh to death, loud as hell and a bag of trouble. A real hustler.

He was also A WHOLE LOT of DRAMA!
It is always non stop drama with him. But then again those uptown city slickers do love a good cup of attention grabbing drama.





These were my only serious fellas. I had a few little puppy lovers before them. These, however, are the ones that mattered enough for me to really remember.

Now i have my hub. My mother say i chose and chose until i chose one that is just like my father, and she's right. My hub is the carbon copy of my dad, which means he's an upstanding man...the anchor to my sailboat. We just work. But geeze i had to get through a lot of weird ones to find him.

Picture this...

My weekend was better than yours.

And i mean it.

The baby was at grandma's which meant date night voyeurs.

Saturday morning i went for a manicure/eyebrow wax/massage to prepare...

Then i bought a sexy lil outfit...ooh la la...

I went home to meet hub and get ready to go...i was running late and he was mad at me...or so i thought...

So i rushed and took a whore bath ("washing your coochie, ass and arm pits"), brushed my hair straight, dressed and hit the pavement...30, minutes tops...

We went to see the lion king first...we had awesome orchestra aisle seats...we got there about 20 minutes late but the show was amazing. I tried to take some pics but they are shit.

After the show we tried to take a few pics but my stupid shitty camera that i bought on e bay sucks.

After the show, we went around the corner to Juniors to get some cheesecake. I fxckin love cheesecake. I got a red velvet cupcake (which tasted like ass) too. But i hate juniors food, so we went somewhere else for dinner...

Hub took me to a cute little french restaurant called Le Petit Un Deux Trois...somewhere around 44th street. We sat in an area called the green room. It was made to resemble a European courtyard, complete with glass roof...very romantic...The food was amazing...so was the champagne...
By the time we were done i was more than ready to go home and have some sexy time with my hub, then my cheesecake, but he kept insisting that we go to this spot that we call Goodlife. Its on 69th and riverside. The real name is Riverside Park, and its a pier that extends into the Hudson River. It's like a long boardwalk that actually extends into the river. Very beautiful. Nonetheless i didn't want to go because it was starting to get colder out and i was tired. He persisted, so i gave in and we jumped in a cab uptown.

Side view of goodlife

For some reason he had been peeing and peeing constantly all day, and as soon as we got there he had to go, but there was no bathroom so he let it rip right in front of whoever was there. It was soo tacky and yet so funny that i laughed hysterically for a good 5 minutes, and forgot how badly i had wanted to go home to chill.

We walked all the way to the edge of the pier and chose a seat. We sat for a while and reminisced about our times at Goodlife...when we first met....when he made me his girl...countless summer nights spent taking in the view and the river scent...
Then he started acting weird.


He keeled down.



He stood up.



He got on one knee.



He stood up.



None of this phased me or raised any question mark in my head, because he does weird stuff like this all the time. Especially when he's cold. He's the master of fidgeting when he's cold. Instead i got annoyed and started yelling at him to friggin sit down and enjoy the view.



Then he decided to stand infront of me. ugh i was pissed.


He asked me if i would be his forever.



I said "yes Keith"...still annoyed that he was standing in my way...still oblivious to what was going down...like i said, he does this stuff all the time...



Then he pulls out a huge box...i thought it was a watch...in my head, i was pleased...





...And he opens it...




And let me tell you voyeurs, it was no watch.



It was Ivanka (which is what i named her in honor of the bad bxtch Ivanka Trump....since Goodlife is located right in front of a colossal beautiful Trump building) and shes a bad bxtch.

Bad Bxtch Ivanka Trump

Goodlife and Trump Building

Ivanka and I

He proposed in style. And i laughed and cried and loved. I'll spare the words and details because they are our memories, and ours only. And by the way, the reson he kept kneeling and standing is because he wanted to do it when no one was near us, and people kept walking by...


After i composed myself we got in a cab and went home...

And just when i thought he had successfully rocked my world, i noticed rose petals under my apartment door.

Yes Yes yall!!!! He went all out!


He had someone come in and decorate our room while we were out. It was decked out with a ton of petals, chocolate covered strawberries, Godivas, champagne, red light...........
Ooh la la....


And we had a night to remember.


Ordinarily i would tell you all of the sexy details. But this night was so special that i don't want to share.

It was, however, simply and utterly AMAZING...

L Words

So lovely,
So lovely are his words
The verbs
That get under my skin,
Make me wonder “where has he been?”
As his words make my head spin
Again,
and again…

as for now we only speak,
but these sweet nothings make me weak
make me wonder do I seek,
what he has
what I lack
and so I ask
what is so lovely about this man
to whom right now I only speak
but yet his words, they make me weak
damn, so lovely how we speak
but yet so weak,
A paradox, it seems I like him

To Like,
Another word,
Another verb
And though I know it seems absurd
That just his words
Have made me like him
Made me want to know more,
Adore,
The way that he is,
The way that he’s not,
Damn, I’ve thickened the plot.
Because right now we’re only friends
And our bond does not transcend
The rules that keep good friends at bay,
Away,
From this word, this verb, “to Like”
This cannot be alright
How could I, his friend, like him?
Better yet could I invite him
To like me back?
Or would that be
An unintentional attack
On our friendship?

As time goes by I like him more
Adore
The way he says my name
Lola...
The way he calls me baby
As he lulls to sleep
So maybe,
Baby,
I should show you how I feel
For real
Because this like, this word, this verb
No longer occurs without the presence of another L word
Lust

So now I lust after your lips
After your scent
They way you noticed how my nose is bent
Your eyes
Their size
Their shape, the color
How I wonder
What it would be like for you
To do
Those things that make me say …Ooh

At night I think
To myself
This cant be good
For my health
He’s just my friend,
Then again,
I want him

I want him in every
Single
way
I want him more
Every
Single
day
I want him to kiss
my fears
away
I want him to be
I want him to stay.
Because I love him

Damn,
I just got hit
With another word
Another verb
Another feeling
That’s got my heart reeling
Out of control
I’m feeling my soul
Be penetrated
By his touch


I want him to turn me out
To show me what he’s all about
I’m so willing
To take that route
But then again he’s just my friend
And even more,
I’m not the only one that wants him

So hither comes another word
Another verb
Another chick
Another girl who claims she loves him
She says she wants,
Says she needs,
To have him back
She begs him please
To put her broken soul at ease
To take her back
To just appease
Her needs

And though he says their love’s undone,
That she is no longer the one,
Still I wonder.
Three years she made him feel complete,
How could my love ever compete
With hers?

Still I know
That that
Was long ago
And so
I don’t sweat it
I let it just be
And just hope that you and me
Will see
What its like
To be lovely,
To like,
To lust,
To love
To be lost in that place
In a space
Where we’re free to expand
And withstand
All the shit that may be.
So baby…

Let’s just go
Just let it loose
Let’s just grow
Teach me words
Teach me secret verbs
Beginning with “L”
and I wont tell

So Lets,
Explore the alphabet
Discover words from a to z
That describe
What you and me
Have come to be

Lets
get lost,
in this Linguistic,
Lullaby,
Lets,
Allow the months to pass us by,
Lets
Cruise our way
Through May,
Please,
Rock my senses through June
July, august
And soon
We won’t even remember
that its September
Much less October…
Fuck being sobered
By the restraints of time
Just be mine
Lets move too fast
Let me be the last
To kiss you goodnight
Lets go left,
Fuck what’s right

So baby,
Hear these L’s roll off of my tongue
Because you’re the one,
And I’m here
to let you know that you’re
lovely
and I hope that one day you’ll
love me
the way I’m loving you
and I’m lusting
for you mind body an soul
because I need you
to make me feel whole
and I like
how you make me want to spit these verbs,
so baby feel me
when I speak these L words.






I wrote this for him in the beginning...And still so it is and ever shall be...
Sweet memories...